Florence Welsh

"HELLO MY NAME IS FLORENCE. AND I HAVE NO EYEBALLS"


AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH

Let me here you say...

POTATO.

I WISH I WAS THIN ENOUGH AND ORANGE ENOUGH TO BE A TRAVELLER BABE...Haha


Unfortunately i resemble this guy (FML):

We all get a little 'g' sometimes

Somethin' Funny In The Lancashire Air...

It has been a very long time since i've wrote anything on here but after my weekend i had to make people aware of my time in Lancaster.

After a long train ride up north we arrived. I was going there for a reason mind you...my favourite party band 'CSS' were playing...in a library. Really i HAD to go.

So i had my rose tinted glasses on for maybe 2 hours. It is quite pretty in Lancaster, all cobble streets and stone buildings. I looked a little bit like this:

After throwing my things down at the hotel we decided to head out in search of the gig venue, i hadn't done any research to where in town we were and how far away the library was so i thought the best way to find it and to learn my way around town was to get a bit lost.

This is when i realised that i was in a horror movie

and everyone in the town looked like this:

So i got a little lost, and plucked up the courage to ask someone who i relate to, for directions. Yeah they were slightly odd, and the children hated the parents for reproducing. They looked like this family actually...

The man seemed very obliging to give us directions-
"Go left at Ladbrookes, straight ahead, through an alley way called 'st frances passage' past Boots, right at Wilkos, left at Next and straight ahead to the square. There you will see OUR BIG CHRISTMAS TREE and you can't miss the library"
Now im not one to listen to directions and after hearing half of the directions i switched off and noticed this scrawny dog trying to get me to pet it...I HATE ANOREXIC DOGS, and this was the worst kind:

Yucky.

It turns out the library was literally 2 minutes away but the man was so socially awkward and inbred that he made it sound further away than it actually was...

Oh and that BIG CHRISTMAS TREE in the square was this:

This Christmas tree is the reason i am writing the blog. This photo is 100% the Lancaster Big Christmas tree...and believe me, it looks bigger in the photo. IT WAS SO SHODDY. It didn't even have a fairy or a star on it, and it leant like this:

I CANNOT STRESS ENOUGH HOW BAD THIS TREE WAS...and i know i have already probably gone on about how bad it looked to a few of you, but its fucking hilarious!

The show was awesome, we hugged a few farmer girls and boys and MY GOD THERE WERE SOME SORE SIGHTS THERE. But CSS made up for it completely...UNTILL THE NEXT MORNING, when they had gone and i seemed to have misplaced my rose tinted glasses and had the challenge of going into the town for market morning.

Now i will stop criticizing people on their appearance now...and i know im not one to judge...as im a chubby ginger lesbian, so i will explain my experiences in the market entirely without saying a negative word...it went something like this:

Imagine this is trip advisor for one moment- we stayed at a lovely hotel, it was called 'penny street lane' i think? But it was so out of place in this eerie little town. I felt like i was having a bad acid trip pretty much tho whole time i was there. Untill i found out why it was all happening:

When the witches were executed...they cast a spell over Lancaster.

That is the only explanation for Lancaster.


Google the pendle witches. Spooky.

Its been too long...

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Rt7dK62QdLM&feature=related

OH MY GOD AS IF THIS ISN'T THE BEST THING I'VE EVER SEEN...CSS AND THE TELLIETUBBIES!

GETTING PAID TO WRITE BLOGS? FUCKING AY!

So i get an email, and i think why not! i'll apply!

Skip past the terms and conditions, and check the box at the bottom (cause really...who ever reads them!?)

I get an email back saying they are going to view my blog to see how suitable it is...


AND THEN I GET ONE FINAL EMAIL. Which i spent a good 10 minutes laughing very VERY hard at!

.......


Hi NICOLA STANDAGE,

We have tested your blog (http://bigwig67.blogspot.com) and found that it contains problems in matching our criteria that are so severe that we do not think that they can be fixed. Therefore, we will not accept any further submissions on this particular blog.

The problem(s) with this blog are noted below:

In order to have your Blog Certified with Blog Distributor, it must not contain profanity. The following is a list of the profane words we found in your Blog: shit (14), shite (1), shitty (1), shittttttttttttt (1), prick (1), pissed (1), pissing (1), fuck (6), fucking (14), fucked (1), fuckin (1), fucker (1), farts (1), bitch (11), bitches (7), bitching (1).

If you have other blogs that do not share the problem(s) that this blog has, we would welcome your submission of those other blogs.

Blog Distributor....


wow! i guess i have got a potty mouth. haha!