Saturday, 28 November 2009
Saturday, 21 November 2009
GETTING PAID TO WRITE BLOGS? FUCKING AY!
So i get an email, and i think why not! i'll apply!
Skip past the terms and conditions, and check the box at the bottom (cause really...who ever reads them!?)
I get an email back saying they are going to view my blog to see how suitable it is...
AND THEN I GET ONE FINAL EMAIL. Which i spent a good 10 minutes laughing very VERY hard at!
.......
Hi NICOLA STANDAGE,
We have tested your blog (http://bigwig67.blogspot.com) and found that it contains problems in matching our criteria that are so severe that we do not think that they can be fixed. Therefore, we will not accept any further submissions on this particular blog.
The problem(s) with this blog are noted below:
In order to have your Blog Certified with Blog Distributor, it must not contain profanity. The following is a list of the profane words we found in your Blog: shit (14), shite (1), shitty (1), shittttttttttttt (1), prick (1), pissed (1), pissing (1), fuck (6), fucking (14), fucked (1), fuckin (1), fucker (1), farts (1), bitch (11), bitches (7), bitching (1).
If you have other blogs that do not share the problem(s) that this blog has, we would welcome your submission of those other blogs.
Blog Distributor....
wow! i guess i have got a potty mouth. haha!
Skip past the terms and conditions, and check the box at the bottom (cause really...who ever reads them!?)
I get an email back saying they are going to view my blog to see how suitable it is...
AND THEN I GET ONE FINAL EMAIL. Which i spent a good 10 minutes laughing very VERY hard at!
.......
Hi NICOLA STANDAGE,
We have tested your blog (http://bigwig67.blogspot.com) and found that it contains problems in matching our criteria that are so severe that we do not think that they can be fixed. Therefore, we will not accept any further submissions on this particular blog.
The problem(s) with this blog are noted below:
In order to have your Blog Certified with Blog Distributor, it must not contain profanity. The following is a list of the profane words we found in your Blog: shit (14), shite (1), shitty (1), shittttttttttttt (1), prick (1), pissed (1), pissing (1), fuck (6), fucking (14), fucked (1), fuckin (1), fucker (1), farts (1), bitch (11), bitches (7), bitching (1).
If you have other blogs that do not share the problem(s) that this blog has, we would welcome your submission of those other blogs.
Blog Distributor....
wow! i guess i have got a potty mouth. haha!
Friday, 20 November 2009
Friday 11:22pm
YOU HAVE NO IDEA HOW CLOSE I WAS TO CATCHING WAFFLE!!! I'M SO MAD...THIS FUCKER IS INVINCIBLE! HE HAS EATEN FROM 6 MOUSE TRAPS WITHOUT DIEING AND HE HAS JUST JUMPED OVER MY BOX AND FRISBEE CATCHER CONTRAPTION.
A new addition to the mousetrap...marmite.
Even if the bugger doesn't get caught, he can either love or hate the mar-mateeeeeeeee!
And another brainwave is to crush drugs into the Philadelphia! But Lee made the valid point that he might wander off and die somewhere and he will stink!
A new addition to the mousetrap...marmite.
Even if the bugger doesn't get caught, he can either love or hate the mar-mateeeeeeeee!
And another brainwave is to crush drugs into the Philadelphia! But Lee made the valid point that he might wander off and die somewhere and he will stink!
Wednesday, 18 November 2009
1:11am
I heard scratching and found his hideout...he poked his head out to tease me. WANKER.
We sprayed the hole in the cupboard with spray to scare him out, but so far he's being stubborn!
We sprayed the hole in the cupboard with spray to scare him out, but so far he's being stubborn!
1:01am
I CAN HEAR WAFFLE UNDERNEATH THE KITCHEN CABINET, HE NEEDS TO COME OUT AND FACE ME LIKE A MAN!
WAFFLE WATCH
ITS 12:56AM
I'M ON WAFFLE WATCH
WAFFLE IS A MOUSE.
I loved waffle for a long time, i spent days waiting in the kitchen for waffle to run past me! But today our love was broken...i went to the pantry to dry my hands, and there was waffle, eating MY BEAUTIFUL FIT BREAD.
ITS OVER WAFFLE...THIS IS WAR.
Im going to catch you!
Monday, 9 November 2009
To Write Love On Her Arms
Its a charity i've found recently, and although i may appear to be a heartless cow, it is definately worth supporting.
I think you should ALL swat up on it to be honest! I nearly signed myself up to be in Florida next year for the internship...but then realised i couldn't afford to!
http://www.twloha.com/vision/
I was listening to this song today...
its by a big fat geezer and his skinny bearded essex mate called DAN LE SAC VS. SCROOBIUS PIP.
THE MAGICIANS ASSISTENT
It's tragic; you tried to cut yourself in half,
But this isn't magic; in fact it's something much more dark, or more dramatic
Self harm, that's what they call it.
'Cause it just affects you.
It's your life, your body, so you can choose what you do,
And if one day you can't rein it in,
and of your last breath you are the only witness,
Then so be it, cause it's your last breath,
and it's nobody else's business.
But, how about your little sister?
I mean, you think your life's been bad,
And by no means am I belittling that,
cause I know the troubles you've had
But a teen finding out her sister chose death over life,
Finding out instead of turning to her with your problems, You turned to a knife
That's a whole lot of pain to deal with,
and a whole lot of damage
And the only role model she has is little more than words engraved in granite.
But as you said before, this just affects you.
It's your life, your body, so you can choose what you do.
And if one day you can't rein it in,
and of your last breath you are the only witness,
then so be it, cause it's your last breath,
and it's nobody else's business.
But then, how about your parents?
God knows they've done all they can to support.
Yeah, you didn't grow up in a mansion,
But they gave you the best life they could afford,
And the second that last bit of life tickles out,
and your lungs cease to breath,
They've failed the most important task that they will ever receive.
They failed to give their child a life that's worth living,
And that's a failure as long as they live, of themselves, is unforgiving.
But as you said before, this just affects you.
It's your life, your body, so you can choose what you do.
And if one day you can't rein it in,
and of your last breath you are the only witness,
then so be it, cause it's your last breath,
and it's nobody else's business.
But, how about your friends?
How did they fail to see this coming?
I mean, you can only hold so much pain,
and recently it seems like the tap's been running.
Families grow distant, but it's meant to be your friends you can rely on.
They shouldn't be there for just fun and drinks.
They should be the shoulder to cry on.
They should be the ones you turn to,
when you can't talk to your family.
But they failed to because although you didn't ask for their support,
it should have been mandatory.
But as you said before, this just affects you.
It's your life, your body, so you can choose what you do.
And if one day you can't rein it in,
and of your last breath you are the only witness,
then so be it, cause it's your last breath,
and it's nobody else's business.
But then, what about me?
What kind of boyfriend am I?
Instead of living a life I was a big part of,
You would rather die.
Instead of fighting though together,
and turning things around,
You decided the grass is greener
on the other side of the ground.
If I shared lives there was nothing worth living for as far as you could see.
So if that's the case for you
Then what is there left in this life for me?
But as you said before, this just affects you.
It's your life, your body, your sister, your parents, your friends, and your partner
so you can choose what you do.
And if one day you can't rein it in,
and of your last breath you are the only witness,
Then fuck everything else cause that's not something you've got to live with.
the magician's assistant
too many problems to list them,
not enough people to listen.
the magician's assistant....
the magician's assistant......
I think you should ALL swat up on it to be honest! I nearly signed myself up to be in Florida next year for the internship...but then realised i couldn't afford to!
http://www.twloha.com/vision/
I was listening to this song today...
its by a big fat geezer and his skinny bearded essex mate called DAN LE SAC VS. SCROOBIUS PIP.
THE MAGICIANS ASSISTENT
It's tragic; you tried to cut yourself in half,
But this isn't magic; in fact it's something much more dark, or more dramatic
Self harm, that's what they call it.
'Cause it just affects you.
It's your life, your body, so you can choose what you do,
And if one day you can't rein it in,
and of your last breath you are the only witness,
Then so be it, cause it's your last breath,
and it's nobody else's business.
But, how about your little sister?
I mean, you think your life's been bad,
And by no means am I belittling that,
cause I know the troubles you've had
But a teen finding out her sister chose death over life,
Finding out instead of turning to her with your problems, You turned to a knife
That's a whole lot of pain to deal with,
and a whole lot of damage
And the only role model she has is little more than words engraved in granite.
But as you said before, this just affects you.
It's your life, your body, so you can choose what you do.
And if one day you can't rein it in,
and of your last breath you are the only witness,
then so be it, cause it's your last breath,
and it's nobody else's business.
But then, how about your parents?
God knows they've done all they can to support.
Yeah, you didn't grow up in a mansion,
But they gave you the best life they could afford,
And the second that last bit of life tickles out,
and your lungs cease to breath,
They've failed the most important task that they will ever receive.
They failed to give their child a life that's worth living,
And that's a failure as long as they live, of themselves, is unforgiving.
But as you said before, this just affects you.
It's your life, your body, so you can choose what you do.
And if one day you can't rein it in,
and of your last breath you are the only witness,
then so be it, cause it's your last breath,
and it's nobody else's business.
But, how about your friends?
How did they fail to see this coming?
I mean, you can only hold so much pain,
and recently it seems like the tap's been running.
Families grow distant, but it's meant to be your friends you can rely on.
They shouldn't be there for just fun and drinks.
They should be the shoulder to cry on.
They should be the ones you turn to,
when you can't talk to your family.
But they failed to because although you didn't ask for their support,
it should have been mandatory.
But as you said before, this just affects you.
It's your life, your body, so you can choose what you do.
And if one day you can't rein it in,
and of your last breath you are the only witness,
then so be it, cause it's your last breath,
and it's nobody else's business.
But then, what about me?
What kind of boyfriend am I?
Instead of living a life I was a big part of,
You would rather die.
Instead of fighting though together,
and turning things around,
You decided the grass is greener
on the other side of the ground.
If I shared lives there was nothing worth living for as far as you could see.
So if that's the case for you
Then what is there left in this life for me?
But as you said before, this just affects you.
It's your life, your body, your sister, your parents, your friends, and your partner
so you can choose what you do.
And if one day you can't rein it in,
and of your last breath you are the only witness,
Then fuck everything else cause that's not something you've got to live with.
the magician's assistant
too many problems to list them,
not enough people to listen.
the magician's assistant....
the magician's assistant......
Wednesday, 4 November 2009
Sunday, 1 November 2009
Saturday, 31 October 2009
Friday, 30 October 2009
We had a moment...one of THOSE moments
So me and Emma are in the hunt for a House....or a house share even because its pretty much furnished already!
We find this one house that is FIT. so they invite us round to view the house, and to see if we were all compatible. We were so compatible it was like a balloon falling in love with a cactus. Or a racist life long Tottenham fan falling in love with Ashley Cole...its was not going to work.
However it wasn't always like this...we hit off with them...they liked beer and absinthe! And cooking ME dinner, and music, and art, and staying in at an evening playing board games, or gardening...(okay maybe we werent going to get on, but i saw the best in them)
So they take us on a tour...and as per usual im clowning about, and Emmas ringing off random shit facts about feinting goats, and docking sheeps tails etcetc...
I see a painting on the wall...its a bit shit, so i only assume a friend painted it for them.
So i make sensible conversation...
'WOW a painting! Did a friend paint you this?'
and the guy 'HENRY' replies
'No my ex girlfriend did....'
I go 'oh' and laugh as i turn my head to look at his girlfriend, who is standing next to him, to see her reaction.
There was no reaction! Bareing in mind they had lived at this house for 3 days and already he had spent some time hanging a canvas painting from his ex girlfriend on the wall!
Then he continued
'....but she died'
i again laugh nervously as it goes silent and everyone stares at me in front of the painting...waiting for my next words.
So i go...
'OHHHH....THATS NICE!'
Obviously the painting...not the ex girlfriend dieing!!! But worst of all i think she was only an 'ex' because she died!!! Once i'd realised that i just said 'THATS NICE' to his girlfriend dieing and then i noticed the silence...the really REALLY awkward silence. The next thing i did was see an airing cupboard door. So i went...
'okayyyyyyyyyy...ooooooooo whats in here!?', and stuck my head in there and waited and waited and waited for the next person to speak.
Henry then says...
'ITS A CUPBOARD AND YOU CAN OPEN THIS ONE AND I CAN SEE YOU THROUGH IT.'
As he is saying this i have my head in the cupboard pulling a 'nicola your a stupid STUPID bitch!' face...and then i slowly turn left and see Henry on the otherside, waving awkwardly at me, i wave awkwardly back at him, and pull my head out of the cupboard.
NEEDLESS TO SAY, WE DIDN'T GET THE FLAT SHARE.
But things are looking up...ish on the flat share front as a guy called
NAPOLEAN
thats is correct. NAPOLEAN. Needs some flat mates.
I can only assume it is THE Napolean.
Wednesday, 28 October 2009
NICOLA DID!
BESTIVAL 2009...
2MINS 14SECONDS...
'I WOULD'
Also straight off, next to the giant rocket you can see my sign having a lily 'i would' rave.
2MINS 14SECONDS...
'I WOULD'
Also straight off, next to the giant rocket you can see my sign having a lily 'i would' rave.
Tuesday, 27 October 2009
She's Got Sarah Jones' Eyes!
Her hair is dark as coal,
Her lips spit crudities
Her hands are never cold
She's got Sarah Jones' eyes
She'll turn her music on
You won't have to listen twice
She's pure as yellow snow
She got Sarah Jones' eyes
And she'll inappropriately squeeze you
She'll unease you
All the better just to please you
She's perverted
And she knows just what it
Takes to make a cosmos
She's going partially blind,
She's got Sarah Jone's eyes
She'll let you grab her front
And then grab her asthma pump
She'll lay you on her bug
She got Sarah Jones' eyes
She'll take a tumble after two
Roll like shes a dice
Until she's black and blue
She's got Sarah Jones' eyes
She'll expose boob
And she'll show you
Then she'll yank down her leggings and flash you...
She's a pervert
And she knows just what it
Takes to rape a possom
All the boys Think she's a guy,
She's got Sarah Jones' eyes
Friday, 23 October 2009
Monday, 19 October 2009
Such a dear loss...
RIP- Sir Louis WalshI love you!
.......
What are you saying?!?
i heard Gay, Boyband, and Irish...is he not?...Woops!
The Post Below
Apologies...we found a kareoke booth in the back of a pool hall in town run by asians.
WE HIT THAT.
UNFORTUNATELY...flo rida, low. And Justin, Sexyback are not as easy as they appear to be.
Still maximum rave. Sofa jumping, Microphone skipping...the lot! Gaga Would!
Marcia Did. She lost 26lbs raving.
WE HIT THAT.
UNFORTUNATELY...flo rida, low. And Justin, Sexyback are not as easy as they appear to be.
Still maximum rave. Sofa jumping, Microphone skipping...the lot! Gaga Would!
Marcia Did. She lost 26lbs raving.
Thursday, 15 October 2009
Monday, 12 October 2009
Where are my keys...I lost my phone!
Just a dull, brief, boring update...
i had a job, i didn't want to start it, so i quit it, and then got a new job! with lee!
In case you didn't understand the last message i'm off to see these tomorrow:
and were picking her up tomorrow...if they let her back in the country!! <3
and were heading here...i like it here :)
and were gonna swallow some of this stuff...
and dance like these people... (I'm gonna slap my feet to the sound of the beat!)
and this is almost inevitable ... (lee)
BUT JUST REMEMBER...KNOW YOUR LIMITS. DRINK RESPONSIBLY...OTHERWISE YOU CAN'T HAVE BABIES, AND YOU'LL GET WEAK MUSCLES!
Tomorrow I'm will pee my pants...
I HAVE
I DID
I WOULD AGAIN
I WILL
I AM
I WILL.I.AM. GET IT???
T.T.T.TASTY.TASTY!
Monday, 5 October 2009
Weather Summary
Summary
rain shwrs
rain shwrs
rain shwrs
rain shwrs
mod. rain
heavy rain
rain shwrs
rain shwrs
rain shwrs
They're not lieing!!!
rain shwrs
rain shwrs
rain shwrs
rain shwrs
mod. rain
heavy rain
rain shwrs
rain shwrs
rain shwrs
They're not lieing!!!
Sunday, 4 October 2009
Poodles
The other day i was eating at a cafe and i didn't tuck my chair in when i got up.
Sounds like a shit story beginning but shortly after this a blind man got lead into the chair by his guide dog...which was a poodle!!! And he dragged the chair with him for about 1 metre!
A poodle guidedog. Ahahahaha!
Becci The Bully
Becci has spent 2 weeks now picking on me.
Shes pregnant and is blaming it on her hormones and her baby!...but chasing me around the kitchen slapping me with a banana skin and then sinking her teeth so far into my skin that i am imprinted for the rest of the evening is far from hormones darlin'!
The other day i was sleeping off my hangover and i had the window open (to air my room as i had spewed) something jumped in the window and crawled over my face.
At the time i assumed Becci had snuck in my room and dropped the dog on my face. But when i opened my eyes no one was in the room with me and there was a rustling under my bed.
So i shot up and waited to see if it came out! And it never ever did.
Becci and Emma came in and checked under the bed and ripped the shit out of me because it was 'my imagination' or 'your still pissed' or 'you were dreaming it'
And i wasn't!
Shes pregnant and is blaming it on her hormones and her baby!...but chasing me around the kitchen slapping me with a banana skin and then sinking her teeth so far into my skin that i am imprinted for the rest of the evening is far from hormones darlin'!
The other day i was sleeping off my hangover and i had the window open (to air my room as i had spewed) something jumped in the window and crawled over my face.
At the time i assumed Becci had snuck in my room and dropped the dog on my face. But when i opened my eyes no one was in the room with me and there was a rustling under my bed.
So i shot up and waited to see if it came out! And it never ever did.
Becci and Emma came in and checked under the bed and ripped the shit out of me because it was 'my imagination' or 'your still pissed' or 'you were dreaming it'
And i wasn't!
Friday, 2 October 2009
Vodka...you little creeper you!
I have a confession to make. Kilsby's if you're reading this...i'm sorry.
WE HAD A PAVLOVA. A BIG ONE.
And we're really sorry but it was so so so amazing that we didn't want to share it. Hahaha! I know, very selfish! So we had to make a plan, of how we would get it in the house without anyone seeing it! We even thought about slipping it over the fence into the garden and running around to get it. Desperate desperate measures! It is THAT GOOD!
So we snuck it in, and we've hid it, in the secret pavlova hiding place!
Last night we brought some vodka...
You'll have to excuse my hair...and general disgustingness...i hadn't showered, thats right. I DIDN'T SHOWER! I was also trying to hold the bottle between my breasts, but i think i should maybe try that with a gift size vodka bottle, it may be easier!
So we hit that bebe's.
And then we invented a game...it is called:
'Who can eat pavlova, like a pig, the best?'
Poor Pavlova!
Lee won! Then tried to shoo me out the room so he could eat the other half!!!
'Nic go to sleep now, have you re hidden the pavlova? where did you put it?'
WE HAD A PAVLOVA. A BIG ONE.
And we're really sorry but it was so so so amazing that we didn't want to share it. Hahaha! I know, very selfish! So we had to make a plan, of how we would get it in the house without anyone seeing it! We even thought about slipping it over the fence into the garden and running around to get it. Desperate desperate measures! It is THAT GOOD!
So we snuck it in, and we've hid it, in the secret pavlova hiding place!
Last night we brought some vodka...
You'll have to excuse my hair...and general disgustingness...i hadn't showered, thats right. I DIDN'T SHOWER! I was also trying to hold the bottle between my breasts, but i think i should maybe try that with a gift size vodka bottle, it may be easier!
So we hit that bebe's.
And then we invented a game...it is called:
'Who can eat pavlova, like a pig, the best?'
Poor Pavlova!
Lee won! Then tried to shoo me out the room so he could eat the other half!!!
'Nic go to sleep now, have you re hidden the pavlova? where did you put it?'
Thursday, 1 October 2009
I <3 Google Earth
Some wise wise lady once said to me...they don't actually die...they're all on an island hiding, having a party/gang bang. They are having fun basically!
Well today i happened to be on google earth and i picked this up on satellite,
Its pretty much breaking news! Check it out:
Well today i happened to be on google earth and i picked this up on satellite,
Its pretty much breaking news! Check it out:
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